"TITTER YE NOT"
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A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge.
The husband pointed to a mule in a pasture.
"Relative of yours?"
he asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"By marriage."
*********************
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off
to work.
By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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A 70 year old billionaire had just married a beautiful 20 year old.
"You crafty old codger," said his friend. "How did you get such a lovely young wife?"
"Easy," the billionaire replied. "I told her I was 95."
*********************
BABYBIRD YOURE GORGIOUS
A love–hate relationship is an interpersonal relationship
involving simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and
hate—something particularly common when emotions are
intense. The term is used frequently in psychology, popular
writing, and journalism. It can be applied to relationships with
inanimate objects, or even concepts, as well as those of a
romantic nature or between siblings, parents and children.
A love–hate relationship has been linked to the occurrence of
emotional ambivalence in early childhood; to conflicting
responses by different ego states within the same person; or to
the inevitable co-existence of egoistic conflicts with the object
of love.
Narcissists have been seen as particularly prone to
aggressive reactions towards love objects, not least when
issues of self-identity are involved:
in extreme instances, hate at
the very existence of the other may be the only emotion felt,
until love breaks through behind it. Research from Yale
University suggests love–hate relationships may be the result
of poor self-esteem. The term is sometimes employed by
writers to refer to relationships between celebrity couples who have been divorced, then who reunite (notably Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, or Eminem and Kimberly Scott), as well as to their relationship with fame itself.
The Japanese word "tsundere" comes from two words-tsuntsun (aloof,
irritable, cold) and deredere (lovestruck). A tsundere character is one who frequently switches between insulting their love interest and acting love struck or kind toward them. Tsundere characters usually belittle their love interest at first but eventually become kinder to them over time. Although the tsundere theme is prevalent in anime and manga, other forms of mediaty pically contain tsunderes, including Harry Potter, where
Hermione Granger constantly belittles Ron although she loves him.
Catullus introduced the love–hate theme into Western culture with his
famous lines:
“I hate and yet love. You may wonder how I manage it. I don't know, but feel it happen, and am in torment”.
The concept of a love–hate relationship is frequently used in teen
romance novels where two characters are shown to "hate" each other, but show some sort of affection or attraction towards each other at certain points of the story.
Love and hate as co-existing forces have been thoroughly explored within the literature of psychoanalysis, building on awareness of their co-existence in Western culture reaching back to the “odi et amo” of Catullus, and Plato's Symposium.
Ambivalence was the term borrowed by Sigmund Freud to indicate the simultaneous presence of love and hate towards the same object. While the roots of ambivalence can be traced back to breast-feeding in the oral stage, it was re-enforced during toilet-training as well. Freudian followers such as Karl Abraham and Erik H. Erikson distinguished between an early sub-stage with no ambivalence at all towards the mother’s breast, and a later oral-sadistic sub-phase where the biting activity emerges and the phenomenon of ambivalence appears for the first time. The child is interested in both libidinal and aggressive gratifications, and the mother’s breast is at the same time loved and hated.
While during the pre-oedipal stages ambivalent feelings are expressed in a dyadic relationship between the mother and the child, during the oedipal conflict ambivalence is experienced for the first time within a triangular context which involves the child, the mother and the father. In this stage, both the boy and the girl develop negative feelings of jealousy, hostility and rivalry toward the parent of the same sex, but with different mechanisms for the two sexes. The boy’s attachment to his mother becomes stronger, and he starts developing negative feelings of rivalry and hostility toward the father. The boy wishes to destroy the father so that he can become his mother’s unique love object. On the other hand, the girl starts a love relationship with her father. The mother is seen by the girl as a competitor for the father’s love and so the girl starts feeling hostility and jealousy towards her. The negative feelings which arise in this phase coexist with love and affection toward the parent of the same sex and result in an ambivalence which is expressed in feelings, behavior and fantasies. The negative feelings are a source of anxiety for the child who is afraid that the parent of the same sex would take revenge on him/her. In order to lessen the anxiety, the child activates the defence mechanism of identification, and identifies with the parent of the same sex. This process leads to the formation of the Super-Ego.
According to Freud, ambivalence is the precondition for melancholia, together with loss of a loved object, oral regression and discharge of the aggression toward the self. In this condition, the ambivalently loved object is introjected, and the libido is withdrawn into the self in order to establish identification with the loved object. The object loss then turns into an ego loss and the conflict between the Ego and the Super-Ego becomes manifested. The same ambivalence occurs in the obsessional neurosis, but there it remains related to the outside object.
LOVE HATE
The object relations theory of Melanie Klein pivoted around the
importance of love and hate, concern for and destruction of others,
from infancy on wards. Klein stressed the importance of inborn
aggression as a reflection of the death drive and talked about the
battle of love and hatred throughout the life span. As life begins, the
first object for the infant to relate with the external world is the mother.
It is there that both good and bad aspects of the self are split and
projected as love and hatred to the mother and the others around her
later on: as analyst, she would find herself split similarly into a “nice”
and a “bad” Mrs Klein.
During the paranoid-schizoid position, the infant sees objects around
it either as good or bad, according to his her experiences with them.
They are felt to be loving and good when the infant’s wishes are
gratified and happy feelings prevail. On the other hand, objects are
seen as bad when the infant’s wishes are not met adequately and
frustration prevails. In the child’s world there is not yet a distinction
between fantasy and reality; loving and hating experiences towards
the good and bad objects are believed to have an actual impact on the
surrounding objects. Therefore, the infant must keep these loving and
hating emotions as distinct as possible, because of the paranoid anxiety that the destructive force of the bad object will destroy the loving object from which the infant gains refuge against the bad objects. The mother must be either good or bad and the feeling experienced is either love or hate.
Prefab Sprout - 1984
When Love Breaks Down
However, later in development, these emotions start to get integrated, in a natural process. As the infant’s potential to tolerate ambivalent feelings with the depressive position, the infant starts forming a perception of the objects around it as both good and bad, thus tolerating the coexistence of these two opposite feelings for the same object where experience had previously been either idealised or dismissed as bad, the good object can be accepted as frustrating without losing its acceptable status. When this takes place, the previous paranoid anxiety (that the bad object will destroy everything) transforms into a depressive anxiety; this is the intense fear that the child’s own destructiveness (hate) will damage the beloved others. Subsequently, for the coexistence of love and hate to be attainable, the child must believe in her ability to contain hate, without letting it destroy the loving objects. He/she must believe in the prevalence of the loving feelings over his her aggressiveness. Since this ambivalent state is hard to preserve, under difficult circumstances it is lost, and the person returns to the previous manner keeping love and hate distinct for a period of time until he/she is able to regain the capacity for ambivalence.
Ian Dishart Suttie (1898-1935) wrote the book The Origins of Love and Hate, which was first published in 1935, a few days after his death. He was born in Glasgow and was the third of four children. His father was a general practitioner, and Ian Suttie and both of his brothers and his sister became doctors as well. He qualified from Glasgow University in 1914. After a year he went into psychiatry. Although his work has been out of print in England for some years, it is still relevant today. It has been often cited and makes a contribution towards understanding the more difficult aspects of family relationships and friendships. He can be seen as one of the first significant object relations theorists and his ideas anticipated the concepts put forward by modern self psychologists.
Although Ian Suttie was working within the tradition set by Freud, there were a lot of concepts of Freud’s theory he disagreed with. First of all, Suttie saw sociability, the craving for companionship, the need to love and be loved, to exchange and to participate, to be as primary as sexuality itself. And in contrast with Freud he didn’t see sociability and love simply as a derivative from sexuality. Secondly, Ian Suttie explained anxiety and neurotic maladjustment, as a reaction on the failure of finding a response for this sociability; when primary social love and tenderness fails to find the response it seeks, the arisen frustration will produce a kind of separation anxiety. This view is more clearly illustrated by a piece of writing of Suttie
himself:
‘Instead of an armament of instincts, latent or otherwise, the child is born with a simple attachment-to-mother who is the sole source of food and protection… the need for a mother is primarily presented to the child mind as a need for company and as a discomfort in isolation’.
Ian Suttie saw the infant as striving from the first to relate to his mother, and future mental health would depend on the success or failure of this first relationship (object relations). Another advocate of the object relations paradigm is Melanie Klein. Object relations was in contrast with Freud’s psychoanalysis. The advocates of this object relations paradigm all, in exception of Melanie Klein, held the opinion that most differences in individual development that are of importance for mental health could be traced to differences in the way children were treated by their parents or to the loss or separation of parent-figures. In the explanation of the love and hate relationship by Ian Suttie, the focus, not surprisingly, lies in relations and the social environment. According to Suttie, Freud saw love and hate as two distinct instincts. Hate had to be overcome with love, and because both terms are seen as two different instincts, this means repression. In Suttie’s view however, this is incompatible with the other Freudian view that life is a struggle to attain peace by the release of the impulse. These inconsistencies would be caused by leaving out the social situations and motives. Suttie saw hate as the frustration aspect of love. “The greater the love, the greater the hate or jealousy caused by its frustration and the greater the ambivalence or guilt that may arise in relation to it.” Hate has to be overcome with love by the child removing the cause of the anxiety and hate by restoring harmonious relationships. The feeling of anxiety and hate can then change back into the feeling of love and security. This counts for the situation between mother and child and later for following relationships.
In Suttie’s view, the beginning of the relationship between mother and child is a happy and symbiotic one as well. This happy symbiotic relationship between mother and baby can be disrupted by for example a second baby or the mother returning to work. This makes the infant feel irritable, insecure and anxious. This would be the start of the feeling of ambivalence:
feelings of love and hate towards the mother. The child attempts to remove the cause of the anxiety and hate to restore the relationship (retransforming). This retransforming is necessary, because hate of a loved object (ambivalence) is intolerable.
The new-born baby is not able to distinguish the self from others and the relationship with the mother is symbiotic, with the two individuals forming a unique object. In this period, the child generates two different images of the mother. On one hand there is the loving mother, whose image derives from experiences of love and satisfaction in the relationship with her. On the other hand there is the bad mother, whose image derives from frustrating and upsetting experiences in the relationship. Since the child at this stage is unable to distinguish the self from the other, those two opposite images are often fused and confused, rather than distinguished. At about six months of age, the child becomes able to distinguish the self from the others. He now understands that his mother can be both gratifying and frustrating, and he starts experiencing himself as being able to feel both love and anger. This ambivalence results in a vacillation between attitudes of passive dependency on the omnipotent mother and aggressive strivings for self expansion and control over the love object. The passive-submissive and active-aggressive behaviour of the child during the pre-oedipal and the early oedipal period is determined by his ambivalent emotional fluctuations between loving and trusting admirations of his parents and disappointed depreciation
of the loved objects. The ego can use this ambivalence conflicts to distinguish between the self and the object. At the beginning, the child tends to turn aggression toward the frustrating objects and libido towards the self. Hence, frustration, demands and restrictions imposed by parents within normal bounds, reinforce the process of discovery and distinction of the object and the self. When early experiences of severe disappointment and abandonment have prevented the building up of un-ambivalent object relations and stable identifications and weakened the child’s self-esteem, they may result in
ambivalence conflict in adulthood, which in turn causes depressive states.
Passion (from the Greek verb πασχω meaning to suffer) is a very strong feeling about a person or thing.Passion is an intense emotion,a compelling
enthusiasm or desire for something.
Passion may be a friendly or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, discovery, or activity or love to a feeling of unusual excitement,
enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a
subject. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.
Ian Suttie further breaks down pleasure and pain, which are the guiding principles of passion into four major categories:
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Pleasures and pains of the senses
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Pleasures of the mind or of the imagination
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Our perfection or our imperfection of virtues or vices
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Pleasures and pains in the happiness or misfortunes of others
In his wake, Stoics like Epictetus emphasized that "the most important and especially pressing field of study is that which has to do with the stronger emotions...sorrows, lamentations, envies...passions which make it impossible for us even to listen to reason". The Stoic tradition still lay behind Hamlet's plea to "Give me that man That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him In my heart's core", or Erasmus's lament that "Jupiter has bestowed far more passion than reason – you could calculate the ratio as 24 to one". It was only with the Romantic movement that a valorisation of passion over reason took hold in the Western tradition:
"the more Passion there is, the better the Poetry".
The recent concerns of emotional intelligence have been to find a synthesis of the two forces—something that "turns the old understanding of the tension between reason and feeling on its head:
it is not that we want to do away with emotion and put reason in its place, as Erasmus had it, but instead find the intelligent balance of the two".
Antonio Damasio studied what ensued when something "severed ties between the lower centres of the emotional brain...and the thinking abilities of the neocortex ". He found that while "emotions and feelings can cause havoc in the processes of reasoning...the absence of emotion and feeling is no less damaging"; and was led to "the counter intuitive position that feelings are typically indispensable for rational decisions". The passions, he concluded, "have a say on how the rest of the brain and cognition go about their business. Their influence is immense...[providing] a frame of reference – as opposed to Descartes' error...the Cartesian idea of a disembodied mind".
A tension or dialectic between marriage and passion can be traced back in Western society at least as far as the Middle Ages, and the emergence of the cult of courtly love. Denis de Rougemont has argued that 'since its origins in the twelfth century, passionate love was constituted in opposition to marriage'. Stacey Oliker writes that while "Puritanism prepared the ground for a marital love ideology by prescribing love in marriage", only from the eighteenth century has "romantic love ideology resolved the Puritan antagonism between passion and reason" in a marital context. (Note though Saint Paul spoke of loving one's wife in Ephesians 5. )
George Bernard Shaw "insists that there are passions far more exciting than the physical ones...'intellectual passion, mathematical passion, passion for discovery and exploration:
the mightiest of all passions'". His contemporary, Sigmund Freud, argued for a continuity (not a contrast) between the two, physical and intellectual, and commended the way "Leonardo had energetically sublimated his sexual passions into the passion for independent scientific research".
There are different reasons individuals are motivated for an
occupation. One of these includes passion for the occupation. When
an individual is passionate about their occupation they tend to be less
obsessive about their behavior while on their job, resulting in more
work being done and more work satisfaction. These same individuals
have higher levels of psychological well- being. When people
genuinely enjoy their profession and are motivated by their passion,
they tend to be more satisfied with their work and more
psychologically healthy. When an individual is unsatisfied with their
profession they are also dissatisfied with their family relationships and
experience psychological distress. Other reasons people are more
satisfied when they are motivated by their passion for their occupation
include the effects of intrinsic and external motivations. When an
individual is doing the job to satisfy others, they tend to have lower
levels of satisfaction and psychological health. Also, these same
individuals have shown they are motivated by several be iefs and
fears concerning other people. Thirdly, though some individuals
believe one should not work extreme hours, many prefer it because of
how passionate they are about the occupation. On the other hand, this
may also put a strain on family relationships and friendships. The balance of the two is something that is hard to achieve and it is always hard to satisfy both parties.
There are different components that qualify as reasons for considering an individual as a
workaholic. Burke & Fiksenbaum refer to Spence and Robbins (1992) by stating two of the three
workaholism components that are used to measure workaholism. These include feeling driven
to work because of inner pressure and work enjoyment. Both of these affect an individual differently and each has different outcomes. To begin, work enjoyment brings about more positive work outcomes and is unrelated to health indicators. Inner pressure, on the other hand, is negatively related with work outcomes and has been related negatively to measures of psychological health. Burke & Fiksenbaum make a reference to Graves et al. (2006) when examining work enjoyment and inner pressures. Work enjoyment and inner pressure were tested with performance ratings. The former was positively related to performance ratings while the latter interfered with the performance-enhancing aspects of work enjoyment. Burke & Fiksenbaum refer to Virick and Baruch (2007) when explaining how these two workaholism components affect life satisfaction. Not surprisingly, inner pressure lowered the balance between work-life and life satisfaction but enhanced people's performance at their occupation, whereas work enjoyment led to a positive balance between the two. Again, when individuals are passionate about their occupation and put in many hours, they then become concerned that their occupation will satisfy personal relationships and the balance must then be found according to the importance levels of the individual.
The researchers indicate different patterns of correlations between these two components. These patterns include
antecedents and consequences. The two components offer unique motivations or orientations to work which result in its effects on work and well-being. Inner pressures will hinder performance while work enjoyment will smooth performance. Inner pressures of workaholism have characteristics such as persistence, rigidity, perfectionism, and heightened levels of job stress. This component is also associated with working harder, not smarter. On a more positive note, individuals who enjoy their work will have higher levels of performance for several reasons. These include creativity, trust in their colleagues, and reducing levels of stress.
Passion and desire go hand in hand, especially as a motivation. Linstead & Brewis refer to Merriam-Webster to say that passion is an "intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction". This suggests that passion is a very intense emotion, but can be positive or negative. Negatively, it may be unpleasant at times. It could involve pain and has obsessive forms that can destroy the self and even others.
In an occupation, when an individual is very passionate about their job, they may be so wrapped up in work that they cause pain to their loved ones by focusing more on their job than on their friendships and relationships. This is a constant battle of balance that is difficult to achieve and only an individual can decide where that line lies. Passion is connected to the concept of desire. In fact, they are inseparable, according to a mostly western way of thinking related to Plato, Aristotle, and Augustine. These two concepts cause individuals to reach out for something, or even someone. They both can either be creative or destructive and this dark side can very well be dangerous to the self or others.
Hobbies require a certain level of passion in order to continue engaging in the hobby. Singers,
athletes, dancers, artists, and many others describe their emotion for their hobby as a passion. Although this might be the emotion they're feeling, passionis serving as a
motivation for them to continue their hobby. Recently there has been a model to explain different types of passion that contribute to engaging in an activity.
According to researchers who have tested this model, "A dualistic model in which passion is defined as a strong inclination or desire toward a self-defining activity that one likes (or even loves), that one finds important (high valuation), and in which one invests time and energy." It is proposed that there exist two types of passion. The first type of passion is harmonious passion.
"A harmonious passion refers to a strong desire to engage in the activity that remains under the person's control." This is mostly obtained when the person views their activity as part of their identity. Once an activity is part of the person's identity then the motivation to continue this hobby is even stronger. The harmony obtained with this passion is conceived when the person is able both to freely engage in or to stop the hobby. It's not so much that the person is forced to continue this hobby, but on his or her own free will is able to engage in it. For example, if a girl loves to play volleyball, but she has a project due the next day and her friends invite her to play, she is able to say no on her own free will.
The second kind of passion in the dualistic model is obsessive passion. Being the
opposite of harmonious passion, this type has a strong desire to engage in the
activity, but it's not under the person's own control and he or she is forced to
engage in the hobby. This type of passion has a negative effect on a person where
they could feel they need to engage in their hobby to continue interpersonal
relationships, or "fit in" with the crowd. To change the above example, if the girl has
an obsessive passion towards volleyball and she is asked to play with her friends,
she will say yes even though she needs to finish her project.
Since passion can be a type of motivation in hobbies then assessing intrinsic
motivation is appropriate. Intrinsic motivation helps define these types of passion.
Passion naturally helps the needs or desires that motivate a person to some
particular action or behaviour. Certain abilities and hobbies can be developed early
and the innate motivation is also something that comes early in life. Although
someone might know how to engage in a hobby, this doesn't necessarily mean
they are motivated to do it. Christine Robinson makes the point in her article that,
"...knowledge of your innate motivation can help guide action toward what will be fulfilling. " Feeling satisfied and fulfilled builds the passion for the hobby to continue a person's happiness.
In Margaret Drabble's The Realms of Gold, the hero flies hundreds of miles to
reunite with the heroine, only to miss her by 24 hours – leaving the onlookers
"wondering what grand passion could have brought him so far...a quixotic look
about him, a look of harassed desperation". When the couple do finally reunite,
however, the heroine is less than impressed. "'If you ask me, it was a very
childish gesture. You're not twenty-one now, you know'. 'No, I know. It was my
last fling'".
In Alberto Moravia's 1934, the revolutionary double-agent, faced with the girl he
is betraying, "was seized by violent desire...he never took his eyes off my
bosom...I believe those two dark spots at the end of my breasts were enough to make him forget tsarism, revolution, political faith, ideology, and betrayal".
Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another". It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.
Non-Western traditions have also distinguished variants or symbioses of these states. This diversity of uses and meanings combined with the complexity of the feelings involved makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states.
Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts.
Love may be understood as a function to keep human beings together against menaces and to facilitate the continuation of the species.
Hatred (or hate) is a deep and emotional extreme dislike. It can be directed against individuals, groups, entities, objects, behaviors, or ideas. Hatred is often associated with feelings of anger, disgust and a disposition towards hostility.
Passion (from the Greek verb πασχω meaning to suffer) is a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion, a compelling enthusiasm to desire for something.
